Q: Until recently, my 14-year-old bonusdaughter rarely spoke or texted with her mom, who moved to another state. Now they are obsessively texting and talking. This started after she found out that her mom may not fly her down for a visit this year and that she had taken all the money out of her college fund and closed the account. She admits she cannot tell her mom she is mad about these things. We have put her back in therapy.
A: Let’s look at what really may be going on: When you take something away it’s not uncommon for people to want it more. Your bonusdaughter learns she’s not going to see her mother and all of a sudden Mom’s the root of her obsession. And her mom, possibly feeling guilty for the move and grateful for the interaction, responds as often as the texts come in. Here’s where many exes tell us that the formally wayward parent really doesn’t care about that child, he or she is just doing all this just to get back at “me.” It’s particularly difficult on bonusparents who step up to the plate and invest time energy and love in their bonuschild, only to feel tossed aside when the biological parent resurfaces.
All these feelings are valid. It very well may be true that a wayward parent has revenge as their motivation and is using their child as a pawn. Do your best not to get wrapped up in the drama. It’s a lose/lose situation. And bonusparents have to understand going in that Mom will always be Mom and Dad will always be Dad. You informing your bonusdaughter that her mom’s motivation may be selfish could possibly backfire. Kids figure out if a parent is flaky all by themselves — and it’s a huge blow. No one has to tell your bonusdaughter her mother did something wrong by cleaning out her college fund and closing the account. And she is obviously suppressing her anger and disappointment for fear Mom will slip away again if she says anything.
It’s important that you don’t let your own hurt color how you respond. Although Mom’s antics concerning the college fund are questionable, her motivation in this day and age may have been poverty — and the newfound interaction with her daughter may be sincere. The early teen years are the time when children of divorce often gravitate to the noncustodial parent. So, even without the college fund issue, you may have had to face this. The best thing you can do at this point is be the role model your bonusdaughter needs and be there to pick up the pieces if there’s a problem. Outward skepticism may push her away and she doesn’t need any more disappointment in her life.
Support through counseling is always a good idea.
Jann Blackstone-Ford, Ph.D., and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Exetiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (bonusfamilies.com).
— McClatchy-Tribune
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