Dating in Maine seems to be only for those who share a common culture and goals.
Most Mainers have only been exposed to people from Black and brown communities through news stories, and that seems to be one of the challenges of interracial and intercultural dating in the state. While this challenge is also true among the different cultures of people considered New Mainers, it is a much bigger and more complicated problem when it comes to New Mainers dating those in white communities.
Abdi Nor Iftin is a Somali-American writer, radio journalist and public speaker. He lives in Yarmouth.
The political discourse of the last few years has impacted how minorities are seen. Think about all the stories we’ve heard on the news lately – Americans have been exposed to an endless stream of stories about race on social media. Many progressives are providing more help and support to minorities, yet the gap seems to be widening in the romantic world of these different cultures.
Mainers have their own perception of immigrants and asylum seekers because these communities are usually portrayed by the media as culturally detached, with people who live their own strict rules that should be respected. This made many white people feel scared of interacting with these communities. There is the widespread view that New Mainers marry only among themselves and want to have children who will speak their own languages and practice their culture. The truth is, we are not as strict as the media portrays us.
For a few years now I had been going out on dates, and the common question white Maine women ask about is what I like about America. What my favorite American food is, or American music, or American movies. Clearly, these are Mainers who are a bit frightened and want to make sure that I like what they like.
Maine women list a number of things they want and don’t want in a relationship. I remember when a woman on one date said she wanted an adventurous person who would go camping for days, or even on trips to Europe. How many New Mainers have the financial means and the courage to do these types of things? It is white privilege to do certain things and that can disqualify New Mainers as dates in this state.
Even being a fully integrated U.S. citizen does not satisfy the requirements of dating in Maine at times. Therefore, we often find ourselves explaining things during a date like it’s an interview. Is America my permanent home? Do I ever want to go back to Somalia?
One thing I learned in the years I’ve been dating in this state is that Maine women particularly don’t like differences, they like similarities. If I say I don’t go to bars and I would rather meet at coffee shops, this may seem to them as if I am culturally not outgoing or restrained by religion or culture.
Everyone should know that we New Mainers forfeit a lot. We are speaking English, which is not native to us; we learn American sarcasm to do well during dating. We compromise a lot, but that is not enough to satisfy Mainers.
The fear of differences in others is pandemic in the state of Maine even within the most liberal and progressive people. What we need is acceptance at all levels, not only for people to advocate that New Mainers run for political office. You must do your part to learn about our cultures and try to learn our sarcasm so that it does not scare you when we use it.
Trust me, there is always a benefit in learning other things beyond your cultural arena. Ask every Maine immigrant who has lived in Maine for a while, we have learned a lot. We are proud of it all.
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