Halloween doesn’t always come naturally.
Some Halloween celebrants are born with the ability to stretch web-like cotton over front-yard shrubbery or see the bloody potential in a bottle of ketchup.
But others struggle to scare.
The unspooky individual is limited — genetically and through no fault of his own — to holding out a bowl of Three Musketeers through a partially opened front door and saying “Happy Halloween” in an upbeat and friendly voice.
Sure, the neighborhood kids look happy, pressing their eyes wide with delight as a foil-wrapped candy bar is hoisted from the bowl and plunked into their waiting treat bags. But were they scared? Did they shriek and dive into the safety of their mother’s reach? Did anyone cry?
For those who find October 31 a dull, scream-free evening, here are four ways to school yourself in the scary:
THE CHAINSAW
Leatherface helped catapult the hedge-trimming chainsaw to the top of the “implements of horror” list. They’re a staple in any pay-to-enter haunted house, and the high-pitched buzzing sound alone has been known to cripple the most fearless.
But those things are sharp, and you don’t want your Halloween amusement to turn into a Halloween amputation. Frightening the neighbors, while fulfilling, isn’t worth a lost limb.
Learn how to handle your chainsaw/implement of Halloween fright during the Chainsaw Safety Class at Hidden Valley Nature Center in Jefferson on Halloween day and Nov. 7 from 9 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. The class is $120, and no previous chainsaw experience is required. For more information, see hvnc.org.
And for creepy chainsaw-wielding on the front porch, take the chain off to prevent actually hurting anyone, which is not part of the Halloween experience.
THE ZOMBIE SHUFFLE
There are some truths about zombies — they’re dead but not totally dead, they have a hankering for human flesh, and they don’t bend well at the knees and elbows.
And if Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video is any indication, they really like strutting their skeletal stuff.
Knowing the proper way to dance like the undead — the stiff joints, the bulging eyes, the shuffling feet — is a fine Halloween way of weirding out the neighbors. They’ll torture themselves trying to decide which is more disturbing: the fact that you’ve joined the ranks of the recently deceased or that you’ve taken to dancing in the front yard in torn pants and really heavy eye makeup.
Learn the dance of the undead at the Thriller Workshop at Swing & Sway Dancing in Rockland on Friday. The workshop is $5 a person and runs 6 to 7 p.m., followed by a Halloween costume party. For more information, see swingnsway.com.
THE SCARY STORY
Giant spiders, bloody hands and ski masks are fine for shock value. But what happens after your guests notice the spotty paint job and battery pack? You’ll need to move beyond the gory visuals and get into people’s heads.
An eerie tale of haunted towns and surly spirits can spook a person as well as any yard ornament — assuming it’s told well.
Learn the art of scary storytelling during the Ghost Hour at Southworth Planetarium at the University of Southern Maine, 96 Falmouth St., Portland. Live actors will read the scariest tales ever written during the hourlong event in the star dome theater. The theater also has a few tricks up its sleeve to amplify the fright factor. The event starts at 8 p.m. Friday, and admission is $7.
THE CHASE SCENE
When a centuries-old demon chases after a college coed who accidentally opened a gateway to the underworld, the creature doesn’t stop to “catch its breath” or complain about an old knee injury that resurfaces during exercise.
The ability to give chase is an important skill for any Halloween worshiper, even though we all know said coed will trip and fall down anyway.
Stretch your racing legs during the Track or Treat 5K on Saturday. Costumes are welcome, meaning you can slip your hand into a Freddy Krueger glove and chase folks down until your heart’s content. Or until the finish line.
The Track or Treat 5K starts at 2:30 p.m. Saturday at the University of Southern Maine in Portland. Registration is $15, and runners can sign up at active.com.
Staff Writer Shannon Bryan can be contacted at 791-6333 or at:
sbryan@mainetoday.com
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