In his 1837 novel, The Pickwick Papers, Charles Dickens became the first-ever author to use the now-trite axiom, “Never say never.”

Dickens may have been a great writer, but he clearly wasn’t a genius.

Never say never? Really? How dumb is that? Literally millions of situations cry out for those very words.

For example, I can say with 100 percent certainty that…….

I will never skinny dip inside a sewage treatment plant.

I will never dunk over LeBron James.

I will never eat ghost pepper ice cream.

I will never throw a small animal into a rotating airplane propeller.

I will never dive into a vat of sulfuric acid to see how long I can hold my breath.

I will never try to put out a fire with premium gasoline.

I will never let a donkey sit on my living room couch.

I will never use an electric toaster while taking a bath.

I will never chew tobacco.

I will never smoke a cigarette.

I will never wrestle an alligator.

I will never wrestle an alligator that smokes cigarettes.

I will never have an Afro like Julius Erving’s.

I will never sit down to dinner at Mar-a-Lago.

I will never drink anything containing grapefruit juice and automatic transmission fluid.

I will never keep a camel for a house pet.

I will never put a female porcupine in someone’s bed.

I will never eat, touch, or imagine haggis.

I will never ask Jennifer Aniston to play horseshoes. (However, if she challenges me, it’s on!)

I will never shoot one of my friends in the face on a hunting trip.

I will never roll around naked in a pit of pink fiberglass insulation.

I will never lick a white line on any interstate highway.

I will never buy a basement apartment in New Orleans.

I will never undergo butt enhancement surgery.

I will never star in a remake of “Hairspray.”

I will never staple a full box of Cap’n Crunch cereal to anyone’s clavicle.

I will never chant, “Yankees suck,” “Boston sucks,” or any similarly vulgar sentiments. (I will, however, chant “Vacuums suck,” if doing so makes certain housework more bearable.)

I will never jump in front of a car at Indianapolis Motor Speedway on Memorial Day.

I will never wear any article of clothing bearing the image of a televangelist.

I will never run over a perfectly good watermelon with a steamroller.

I will never have a stuffed platypus head displayed over my fireplace.

I will never go to a Halloween party dressed as Nancy Reagan, Tom Thumb, or Lassie.

I will never hide poison ivy leaves inside a stranger’s hat.

I will never drive a Prius to victory at a NASCAR event.

I will never serve as governor and then, when my term is up, declare I’m moving to another state so I won’t have to pay personal income tax.

I will never push an electric lawn mower through Mexico City barefoot while eating a kale-flavored popsicle.

I will never pay an adult film star for her silence regarding our affair.

I will never get a tattoo of a swastika, or one of Charles Manson.

I will never tattoo an image of Dora the Explorer on a friend while he is asleep.

I will never tattoo an image of Bill Cosby on a friend while she is asleep.

I will never take a pre-school-aged child to a movie where the main character is Freddy Krueger.

I will never take a date I wanted to see again to a Mixed Martial Arts event.

I will never take anyone to a Justin Bieber concert, whether I want to see them again or not.

I will never buy a piano at Wal-Mart.

I will never wipe a child’s nose with coarse sandpaper.

I will never take a course on Uruguayan architecture.

I will never try any recipes from the Hannibal Lechter cookbook.

I will never send money to a Nigerian prince, no matter how nicely he asks.

I will never buy a raffle ticket for a chance to win a bottle of drinking water from Flint, Michigan.

I will never eat a pizza topped with Brussels Sprouts, anchovies and lug nuts.

I will never send anthrax or explosive devices through the mail to my enemies. However, I would consider sending them anonymous chain letters, and doing it postage due.

I will never try selling rainbow flags outside a Ku Klux Klan rally.

I will never stop to give money to a muttering panhandler who is smoking a cigarette, chugging a Coors Light, and brandishing a bloody machete.

And I will never write or publish anything so silly and totally lacking in redeeming qualities that it can never benefit anyone or anything decent.

After today.

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