Early toilet training is highly overrated as a sign of success in our society. Children who start early (between 17 and 27 months) often don’t master toilet training until they’re the same age as children who start a little later.
Why risk the feelings of failure when there is plenty of time? Children succeed when they are ready — with our direction but not our pressure.
Toilet training happens at home and in child care or preschool. Parents, preschool teachers and child care providers need to come to a common understanding: A child’s motivation for toilet training comes from her wish to be like the important adults in her life.
Her parents or older siblings are most likely to be the models for this big effort. If she is close to caregivers or preschool teachers, she may look up to them and want to imitate or please them as well.
But parents guide the process. With that understanding, all the adults can address toilet training consistently. Inconsistency is bound to confuse a child. If the parents and the child have already turned toilet training into a battle, disagreements among the adults will only make it worse.
Preschool teachers and other caregivers will have their own reasons for wanting the child to succeed in toilet training. Unfortunately, “gatekeeping” — the natural competitive feelings of adults who care for a child — will surface.
Caregivers might think, “If they’d only try to train her my way, we’d be successful.” This competition with parents may color the caregiver’s attitude toward the child’s efforts. For example, “He’s not even trying because he knows his parents will let him get away with it.”
The conflicting expectations put pressure on a child. He must please all the adults — and the cost to him will be that using the potty is no longer his goal, but theirs.
My advice is to be open about your own passion for doing what you believe is right for your child, and to let other caregivers know that you value their professionalism.
Here are ways for caregivers to cope with the demands of caring for many different children at once while also respecting each child’s stage of development:
1. Have a bathroom setup that is child-oriented, with a small toilet and other interesting items to use — books to look at, or a pad for drawing.
2. An adult who isn’t under pressure to see a child trained and who can serve as just a companion should be available to accompany the child to the bathroom.
3. Adults in the classroom shouldn’t publicly discuss toilet training. Don’t get involved when children ask each other, “Are you dry?” “Do you still use diapers?” This is part of how they understand themselves — by comparison with other children.
4. Let each success be the child’s and don’t advertise it to anyone else. Ask her if she’d like to tell her parents when they come to pick her up. If she doesn’t want to, respect her wishes. She’ll let them know soon enough on her own.
5. Privately discuss a child’s progress with her parents.
6. Have a routine time when any child who wants to go to the potty can line up, try it and be quietly commended. But the other children need to be respected for “not going.” “I know you’ll go when you’re ready.”
7. Plan a parent evening when parents and caregivers can let off steam about setbacks, share ideas and express their own wishes.
8. Recognize, as a teacher or child care provider, that you’re hungry for the child’s success, and that this hunger can lead to pressure on the child — and on the parent.
This article is adapted from “Toilet Training” by Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow, published by Da Capo Press, a member of The Perseus Books Group.
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndicate, 620 Eighth Ave., 5th Floor, New York, NY 10018. Questions may also be sent by email to: nytsyn-families@nytimes.com
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