It’s time for a progress report on the new animal government on the Flatley Farm.
Swine are great profit producers. They can create wealth and well-being for the entire animal farm. However, if not controlled, they have a propensity to go wild and eat everyone’s substance. Despite the lesson of Hobbit Hoover several farm generations ago, since the sainted Sheep leader Ronnie Rooster, the Sheep Party has ensured that farm swine were left largely to their own resources. Consequently, the hogs went wild again, and the farm is in trouble. It is hoped that wise owls will be required to regulate swine in the future.
For the immediate problem, President Alhambra and his new team of smart Birds asked the Haymow Assembly for large amounts of grain to stabilize the pigpens. Most Sheep members seem to be in either shock or denial – audibly hoping Alhambra (as well as the whole farm, apparently) will collapse. Sheep support for anything constructive was lacking.
Nevertheless, the fodder giveaway was approved by the Haymow Assembly and hog feed was given to the swine. But hogs will be hogs. Once the grain was made available, the boar hogs in charge gave themselves outrageous bonuses of the slop with no regard for the rest of the animals. Working animals were outraged and bird leaders in the haymow assembly promised to make some laws that will keep swine under control in the future. Some observers are dubious, noting the amount of grain that pigs are always willing to donate to Haymow leaders seeking re-election.
The news reports from the main farmhouse have been largely minutiae: The children’s new dog turned out to be a Portuguese water dog, which offends Sheep because they are not native Flatley breeds. Michelle’s trim physique and style are all the rage in women’s publications; female animals all over the farm are catching cold with bare limbs and pens are filled with exercise mavens attempting to replicate Michelle’s youthful look. Victory veggie gardens are springing up in odd corners everywhere.
The Haymow assembly and Alhambra agreed on another huge spending bill called stimulus. This one was designed to provide work for all animals by paying for local projects such as new pens, stalls and barn roofs. Even ideas like new cheese or wool production are recommended. One project that shows promise is the capture of methane (hot air) from the Haymow Assembly. Again there was little support by the Sheep, who dislike Alhambra and his Bird staffers. They do lots of bleating and squawking, but they take the farm largess anyway.
Myrtle the Hissing Goose has become Myrtle the Merry Mouse. As Secretary of Farm Affairs, she had done much traveling, smiling wherever she went: Lewiston for a French visit, where she was fascinated by Petite Pierre Sarkozy, the Franco ferret; Aroostook, where she sampled three kinds of potato dishes. She met the scowling Soviet in Saco, where she gave the him a GPS that showed Saco to be in the dead center of Penobscot forests.
Occasionally a Sheep will join the Bird Party, and sometimes a Bird will join the Sheep. These crossings generally seem to be motivated by personal advancement – for example, Looney Lieberman, who sucks up to anyone who will put his obsequious countenance on TV. Sheep leaders, hoping to benefit from the “Alhambra Effect,” are searching desperately for animals of darker shade. A notable example is the recent selection of Hip-Hop Steele, the Tan Turkey, as chairman of the Sheep Party. Also known as Dandy Dan Dribble, he is a kaleidoscope of shirt stripes, checks and flashing ties.
Camera lights hype him into making statements that disconcert other Sheep leaders. A week or so ago a couple of Hip-Hop’s gassy bling-bling explications on such anti-Sheep ideas as choice for women and same-sex marriage ran fill tilt into the new de facto head of the Sheep Party, Rotund Rush, an overweight hog otherwise known as Porky Boar. This porcine pronouncer of insult, whose platform of hatred, fear, xenophobia and wild exaggeration has seized the lead in the contest for leadership of the Sheep, forced Hip-Hop to grovel before His Rotundity – and to disown such freedom of thought.
Another dusky candidate for future Sheep leader, Bobby Gerbil from the swamp, wasn’t sufficiently dark to be believable. One look was enough to make Sheep campaign managers nervous; after he opened his mouth, they became downright ill. Betsy Boop has opened an exploratory group for her next campaign, but seems otherwise quiet because she is preoccupied defending claims for travel for her children at state expense, and the cancellation of the planned “abstinence” marriage of her daughter.
Alhambra is visiting other farms in attempts to stabilize the produce and milk markets. There will be news, and more news. Stay posted.
Rodney Quinn, who lives in Gorham, is a former Maine secretary of state. He can be reached at rquinn@maine.rr.com.
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