Today’s topic is euphemisms. According to the dictionary, a euphemism is “the substitution of a mild, vague or indirect expression for another expression thought to be too harsh or blunt.” So, it turns out the word “euphemism” is itself a euphemism for the phrase “lie like a politician.”
My favorite euphemism is “I work at home.” This is a vast improvement over the truth, which is that I do almost nothing that resembles work at home, unless you consider staring out the window or changing channels with the remote to be work. If you do, we have something in common. We are both shell-less gastropods. Which is a euphemism for slugs.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I, on the other hand, have an excuse for my indolent behavior. My tendency to squander large parts of my existence watching either the unstacked firewood in my backyard rot in the mud or “Matlock” re-runs (11 a.m. on WGN or 1 p.m. on Hallmark) is not mere laziness. It’s philosophical inquiry. (That loud sound is the euphemism alarm.)
After months of watching re-runs on daytime TV, I’ve made a major discovery. (OK, that’s a euphemism, too.) Virtually all the programs that fill up the off-hours on obscure cable channels, from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (7 a.m. on FX) to “MacGyver” (8 a.m. on TVLand) to “Star Trek: The Next Generation” (all afternoon on Spike), feature stories in which good triumphs over evil. But most of the advertising appears to promote one or more of the seven deadly sins vanquishing virtue.
Am I the only viewer who finds this disconcerting?
Here’s “Xena: Warrior Princess” (8 a.m. on Oxygen), busy fending off lustful rogues and despicable despots, but being constantly interrupted by some vulture in a suit promising instant cash if you’ll just sign over the proceeds from your insurance settlement to him. The creep isn’t the least bit subtle in his campaign for greed. “It’s YOUR money,” he gargles. “Spend it when YOU want.” No mention of how much you’ll lose by throwing away all those future checks in return for immediate gratification.
Then there are the ads for a line of personal-hygiene products that not only claims to make its users irresistible, but also promises to clear guilty consciences after its customers inadvertently have drunken sexual encounters with people who are ugly or weird or both (the ad employs the euphemism “unfortunate hook-up”). This message is in sharp contrast to episodes of “Twilight Zone” (8 a.m. on SciFi) depicting the fate that awaits those who succumb to the temptations of lust.
Does the audience for re-runs of “South Park” and “The Simpsons” (6 p.m. and 7 p.m. respectively on the UPN station in Portland) contain an unusually large number of people with jobs so wretched they might consider paying good money to enroll at unaccredited schools that promise to train them for careers as bed-pan emptiers, catheter changers and mucous removers (all euphemistically referred in the ads as “medical assistants”)? Other spots that intrude on the adventures of Cartman and Bartman claim you can make gobs of dough by studying law enforcement (so you can end up in an ill-fitting uniform watching for shoplifters at Wal-Mart), engine technician (grease monkey), office manager (file clerk) or paralegal (go-fer).
Given all the sludge in the way, it’s a wonder any programming makes it through the cable to my TV. There are advertisers that prey on the poor by offering to sell them new computers, but only after the company is given the right to plunder the purchaser’s assets if (by which they mean “when”) they miss a payment. There are operations that offer quickie loans at absurdly high interest rates in return for the title to your car. And there are commercials promising lists of foreclosed houses you might be able to buy for “low or no down payment.” You might not, too.
While everybody’s trying to do the right thing on “ER” (10 a.m. on TNT), they’re constantly being interrupted by plugs for bogus companies claiming they’ll reduce your credit-card interest rates to as little as nothing (no mention of the huge fee they’ll charge before failing to do that), unproven products to boost the male libido (oooh, a euphemism), pills that promise to turn you into a hard-bodied super-model without either diet or exercise, exercise programs offered by body builders with weird hair and even weirder cult-like agendas (“Not only will you develop 44 inch biceps in less than a month, but you will sit at the right hand of Bagwump the Invincible when He asserts dominion over the universe. Also, all your credit-card bills will be forgiven”), as well as automobile tires, cell phones and lawn-care products that are guaranteed to enhance your personal attractiveness without the use of pesticides.
It’s not just fly-by-night operations that plague viewers of “The A Team” (2 p.m. on USA). There are also sales pitches by supposedly legitimate companies for condoms, booze, drinks with excessive amounts of caffeine, slasher movies, movies starring Tom Cruise, tools you will never use, enormous trucks from a dimension where gasoline costs 15 cents a gallon, prescription medications for conditions you will never have (“One in five Americans is afflicted with Restless Nipple Syndrome”), prescription medicines for conditions that can’t be cured (“Ask your doctor if Dominatrix is right for you, you puny wimp”) and prescription medicines for conditions that don’t exist (“Too good-looking? You need Uglitran”). Not to mention the ads for fast food, soft drinks, beer and cosmetics, all of which promote the idea that any level of reprehensible behavior is justified if it allows you to eat, drink or smear on a particular product.
The only virtue to be found in all this wasted tube time is the patience necessary to endure the repeated airings of these ads without resorting to physical violence against an innocent electronic appliance.
No euphemism will alleviate this problem. Instead, I suggest following the advice of Bollardhead, Martin Shield’s amazing comic creation. (You can catch his adventures at www.thebollard.com. It’ll give you something to do during commercial breaks.)
“There are no crises found on television,” Bollardhead announced in a recent strip, “that can’t be resolved by drinking and watching more television.”
Pour a couple of pints. I’ll see if I can find a re-run of “The Beer Hunter.”
It’s not goofing off. It’s, um, research.
[[tagline]] Al Diamon used to be on TV, but it made him look fat. Fortunately, he lost weight without having to exercise or give up his favorite foods by getting fired. His column on events great and small appears monthly. He can be e-mailed at ishmaelia@gwi.net.
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