Tracy Welsch and Bethany Gooding’s stories share a common thread-they were both victims of domestic violence.
Beyond that, the differences are striking. Tracy Welsch was married for five years and had children. Bethany Gooding was in a relationship for a few months and was 14 at the time.
Their differences illustrate a point that domestic violence does not discriminate but instead taints all layers of society-a point Attorney General Steven Rowe drove home to the stylists and students at Cosmotech School of Cosmetology on May 24. He was there to speak as part of the state’s “Cut Out Domestic Violence” program, which seeks to make salons places where victims of domestic abuse can seek help.
When it comes to domestic violence, age, income, race, ethnicity and even sex don’t matter, Rowe said. “It happens everywhere.”
Welsch and Gooding illustrate that point, although in their experiences with domestic violence, the similarities are obvious.
‘It’s not that easy’
One of the most obvious questions is why don’t victims simply leave the relationship?
“It’s not that easy,” said Gooding. “I was scared to get out of the relationship.”
“‘Why did he have to hit me in the first place?’ is my response now,” said Welsch, who added it took her years to get to the point where she could say that.
They both said they never told anyone about the abuse. Gooding said she didn’t want to tell her mother, and Welsch said she didn’t tell anyone, not even her family. They said it would be easier to talk to someone they didn’t know, someone who didn’t have a vested interest in their life. Why? “Because it’s embarrassing,” replied Gooding.
Both women said it took several protection from abuse orders and even jail time for their partners before they could extricate themselves from the relationship.
“It doesn’t work,” Gooding said of protection orders.
“To them, it’s just a piece of paper. They don’t care,” said Welsch, who added it took her husband going to jail six times, losing his rights to their children and Welsch finally moving with her kids before it was all said and done.
The two also agreed that the psychological effects remain years afterwards the abusive relationship ends. Welsch said she still has a hard time accepting compliments from people. Gooding said just the other day she “freaked out” when a male friend innocently put his arm around her neck in a manner that reminded her of when her boyfriend used to choke her.
The two women said they thought education about domestic violence should begin in junior high along with health education. When a potential abuser gets away with it at a young age, they’ll likely think it’s acceptable by the time they are adults, they said.
The “Cut Out Domestic Violence” program targets salons as avenues through which victims of domestic abuse can seek help. Salons are seen as safe environments, and sometimes one of the only places an abuser will allow their partner to go, according to Nicky Blanchard of the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence.
Blanchard said salons are places where-women, in particular-go regularly over the course of years, establishing relationships with their stylists. Women represent the majority of abused partners in Maine, according to state statistics. A stylist is in the position to monitor their client’s physical appearance and mannerisms regarding certain issues over time, said Blanchard.
A stylist can tell something may be wrong by observing visible evidence of abuse on their client, but also more subtle evidence such as a client’s reluctance to make drastic changes to their appearance.
“He wouldn’t like that. He wouldn’t let me cut my hair,” said Cosmotech Head Instructor Deborah Krasniak. “It’s a fairly common statement.”
She said she didn’t think it meant an abusive partner at home all the time but it was an indication of that possibility that she hadn’t really thought of until she heard Rowe speak. Krasniak said in her 20 years of cutting hair, she’s had three people come forward to her and had suspicions about several others.
“I’ve had clients through the years I know were in bad situations,” she said.
Blanchard said sometimes a stylist will develop a relationship close enough to their client that the client will open up about their abusive relationship, as in Krasniak’s case.
“People end up telling their salon professional crazy personal things,” said Blanchard.
In that case, the stylist may not know how to respond to their client. While it may not be a common occurrence, Blanchard is hoping the “Cut Out Domestic Violence” program will educate stylists on how to react when it does. She said the program is not about judging clients and isn’t urging stylists to report the problem to an organization or call the police. Instead, they’re urged to give their clients a safe alternative.
That safe alternative comes in the form of professional help, and can come from the stylist in a much more subtle way than vocalization. Participating salons will have stickers up on every mirror and will offer free nail files that have a 24-hour Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence hotline number printed on them.
Rowe said in several other states where the program has been implemented, the number of calls to domestic violence organizations went up dramatically after the stickers and nail files were offered at salons.
Welsch and Gooding agreed it was unlikely they would have talked to their hair stylist about their relationship. However, they thought the stickers and nail files would be very helpful to women needing help but afraid to talk to someone about it other than an anonymous professional.
The program teaches stylists about the dynamics of domestic violence, how to talk with clients, be a resource for them and to refer them to local domestic violence agencies. It also teaches that domestic violence comes in many forms, most of which are non-violent but controlling in nature. Training sessions will take place at salons and cosmetology schools across the state.
Gooding said she sat in on the two-and-a-half-hour program “to hear what they had to say” and believed a lot of what they said was true. Welsch agreed, and both said there were times during the session they became emotional, reminded of what they went through.
The session at Cosmotech was the first of three regional sessions, the next two coming in June and July in Waterville and Bangor, respectively. Local sessions will follow the regional sessions.
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