When you analyze the real Santa Claus, you’ll soon realize he is not worthy of our worship and is definitely not worthy of kids looking up to him like some sort of demi-god.
Sad to say, but Santa is a lousy person. He does a lot of bad things. He does these bad things, and the people of the earth, wittingly or unwittingly, laud him for it. But don’t let the big guy fool you. Read the unauthorized version of the “Christmas List” below and discover the truth about the one they call Santa!
Top ten reasons why Santa is a bad influence:
10. Santa is, like, so judgmental. He’s always categorizing people. “Naughty” and “nice” are just two of his favorite holier-than-thou judgments. He’s such a simpleton. He sees nothing but black and white. How are we going to come together as people if we have dividers (not uniters) like Santa keeping us from embracing diversity? Naughty and nice are mere labels. They reveal nothing about the true individual!
9. He’s also an animal abuser. Watch Santa as he whips those beautiful reindeer. He’s so mean. Not to mention how he makes the reindeer tromp around the entire earth with nary a rest break. And, when they do get to stop for a bit, they’re perched on the steep slope of house roofs, inches from sure death. He lords his humanity (and opposable thumbs!) over the animal kingdom. How dominating!
8. He’s obese, likely the result of years of lazy loafing. What image is that sending to our kids, who themselves are beginning to take on Santa’s pudgy characteristics? He works one day a year and the rest of the time sits around telling his elves what to do. No wonder he’s so fat.
7. He uses aliases regularly. Santa. Santa Claus. Kris Kringle. St. Nicholas. Jolly Old Saint Nick. Father Christmas. Old Man Christmas. Who knows how many fake names this guy has? A model citizen has one name and sticks to it!
6. Santa flauts his workers’ right to fair labor practices. According to North Pole newspaper reports, the elves are overworked, unpaid and don’t have health insurance. They’re slaves, with Santa their master. Where’s the labor union? Santa knows he provides the only economic show in the North Pole, and he’s abusing his monopoly. He’s got those elves so afraid for their jobs that organizing is definitely out of the question. He’s obviously a union buster to end all union busters.
5. He smokes and drinks. The guy in the suit smokes a pipe and slides down blackened chimneys. Imagine what his lungs must look like?! Is that what we want our kids doing, too? And what’s up with those ruddy cheeks? They’re a sure sign that Santa has been tipping back a few more than he should.
4. Santa is no lover of civil rights. Even when he sees Rudolph coldly excluded from playing any reindeer games, he turns his head in disregard. He fails to extend a compassionate hand to Rudolph, instead leaving the poor fellow to pull himself up by his own bootstraps. How capitalistic and cold, even for the North Pole!
3. He’s an outlaw. He cares little for the law. When he enters United States air space, does he check in with control towers? No, of course not. He’s too good for that! Does he stop to think about breaking and entering people’s homes – through their chimneys, even? Not ever! He’s a lawless rogue, exiting the scene quickly before authorities can be alerted.
2. And what is this constant touching of his nose? The only other group of people that seem to be preoccupied with their noses are cocaine addicts. Like Santa, cokeheads are always touching their noses and doing stuff with their nostrils. Is that why he’s so jolly all of the time? Is it the cocaine that fuels these all-night circumnavigations of the earth?
And the number one reason you should refrain from elevating Santa to hero-status is…
1. Why does Santa always request that little boys and girls sit on his lap? That settles it right there. The guy has got to go. He’s a menace to society. Impeach Santa!
-John “the Scrooge” Balentine, contributing editor
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