Father’s Day is not just a day for receiving Brut cologne, Steak-of-the-Month Club certificates, or sweater vests that (sorry!) are NOT exactly either brown or green. Father’s Day should also be a time for quiet reflection.
More specifically, the day is an occasion to ask, after 20, l8, l6 years of doing this parenting thing, have I actually done anything right?!
Let’s go tripping merrily down Memory Lane, shall we? Oh, tra la la la.
Where it all began
Let’s start at the beginning. A friend of one of my teenagers recently asked me: “What made you want to have kids n the first place?”
Good question. Luckily, I had a nifty two-part answer ready.
“Years ago, in Scarborough,” I said, “there was a town official who filled in some environmental wetlands so he could build something in connection with his house. He was reprimanded. I realized then I would not always be around to scream about people wanting to pave over most of Scarborough to build Walmarts and beachfront condos. I needed children of my own to do the job down the road.”
“What if your kids don’t care, though?” the inquisitor asked.
Uh, well … “You have to threaten them,” I explained. “Make it clear that if they don’t stop such bad actions in the community there will be serious ramifications for them down the road – Nothing in the will. No million-dollar trust fund. The French Riviera home to be deeded to obnoxious relatives in Massachusetts.”
I ended on a high, sophisticated note: “This instills in children the understanding to do the ‘right thing.’ These are called values, and a positive culture.”
Inspiring? Thank you. Thankyouverymuch.
Kindergarten soccer
Parenting is hard. You are not their buddy or their pal. Adults who think parenting is hard, and expect to fail, repeat often that line about we can’t be their buddy or pal. (That way, when the kids turn out to be misguided adults AND hate us, we feel people were warned! Lowered expectations.)
Good parenting on important stuff starts, at the latest, with kindergarten soccer.
Some parents bring industrial-sized buckets of donut holes from America’s favorite drive-thru sugar orgy.
Not yours truly, however–America’s Good Father of the Year!
I brought sliced up fruit! Orange sections! Apple slices! Banana circles!
Brilliant stuff, right?!
Recently, I asked one of the teenagers in my house if they would like some cantaloupe to supplement a self-prepared supper of frozen this or packaged that or something hermetically sealed in plastic.?“No!” was the horrified response. “I hate fruit.” I’m not going to engage in false modesty here. Fact is I just have a gift.
Ward Cleaver
didn’t have a clue
Parents of the generation of my 88-year-old father were different. They fathered as they had been fathered, I am guessing. Not touchy-feely. Not filled with hugs. No I love you’s, or volunteering in second grade, gluing together gingerbread houses.
Too bad. They missed out on the positive payback—long walks on the beach…late night chats as their kids study for chemistry tests….sudden statements in the car on the way home from Key Club to the effect: “Dad, I want to thank you for instilling in me strong core values and beliefs. I find other Key Club members are lacking in the things that I consider my moral foundation.”
Sweet. Except it’s not true!
It’s more like, “How’s the studying for chemistry coming along?”
“Good…can you leave my room now?”
OK, so Ward Cleaver knew don’’t bother!
Awol parents pay the price
OK, so maybe the positive stuff doesn’t pay off. But miss all the Important Events in your kids’ lives and you are doomed to a life of being a Disappointed Parent!! Right?!
Wrong.
A friend of mine went to jail for a long time.
While in jail, he and his kids were pen pals.
After he got out, fishing trips, football games, etc. etc.
ARRRGGHHHH!!
Somebody, please, help me out here!
So what now?
A friend of mine has always said he was not sure there was a God, but, he kept going to church etc., “Just in case.” I like that.
I will continue abiding by Yuppie Parenting 101 Rules.
In 5 or 10 or 20 years, one of the kids will say, “Dad, we need to take out the ear phones and have more in-depth discussions.” I just know it.
Dan Warren lives in Scarborough. He can be reached at jonesandwarren@gmail.com.
Send questions/comments to the editors.
