Years ago, when the owner of a drive-in movie saw you climbing out of the trunk of a car, he knew that someone had sneaked in without paying.
Nowadays when you see someone climbing out of the trunk of a car, you know that they probably live there.
Seen on Facebook: “Do you remember going to the drive-in?”
“I even remember what the trunk smelled like.”
And, “Some friends would sneak you into the drive-in in the trunk. Really good friends would let you out to see the movie.”
Truman Hilt then wrote, “One time I went to the Rockport Drive-In and got to watching what I thought was a triple X-rated movie. Come to find out I had the car parked backwards.”
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We are all familiar with Thermocule’s Theorem, formulated by that ancient Greek who, in 449 B.C., proved that the radiation emitted and absorbed by nonreflective bodies is in thermal equilibrium with itself.
But because few have even heard of humble’s hydromatic heating hypothesis, I am going to remedy that now.
Before I get into bed, I take one of my two pillows and place it in the lower part of the bed so when I sleep, my calves are slightly raised. One of my numerous physician friends convinced me that this prevents swollen ankles. I then put on my chin strap that holds my mouth shut. My wife, Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, has looked forward to this moment all day. Put on my sleep apnea mask and turn it on. Put on my watch cap, which holds all the straps in place as I sleep, and lift my legs into bed. I lie down and place a sleeveless sweater on my chest and tuck the top part over my shoulders so they don’t get cold when the blankets slip down in the night. Reach overhead and turn off my night light. I pull up the covers and, after pulling down the cuffs on both sleeves of my pajama top, snuggle in for the night.
I immediately notice that I forgot to take out my hearing aids and put them in the little box to recharge overnight. I turn on the light. Sit up. Remove the sweater, strap and mask. Get out of bed, walk over to the hearing aid charging box and put my hearing aids in it. Get back in bed and repeat the routine outlined above. I’ve done it so many times I can do it in my sleep. Extend both arms down to my sides and pull the wrinkles out of my pajama bottoms. When you weigh 119 pounds, even a small wrinkle is uncomfortable when pressed against bare bones.
I put both hands down inside my pajama bottoms on the sides by my hips and firmly grasp my warm upper legs with my two ice-cold hands. Because of Brownian molecular motion and Boyle’s law, my hands and legs soon achieve a thermal equilibrium so that now my hips are as cold as my hands. I get up again and get a heating pad and a De Cock Dutch detective book, because I’m now wide awake and can’t sleep.
When you’re 87 you wake up at 8:30 or 9. You wiggle your fingers and raise your legs. You lie quietly for another half an hour, monitoring your heart and your breathing.
If you are still alive at the end of a half hour, you figure you might as well get up.
You look at your pill box. If your pill box says that you must eat Sunday’s pills and it is Monday, you must have slept through a day.
The first thing you do is read an article a friend posted on Facebook. This article says that global temperatures went up in 98% of the planet last year. Guess who owns a farm that sits squarely in the middle of that other 2%? Yes. I’m already wearing my long johns and October ain’t barely started.
Elsewhere, a marathon in Minneapolis has been canceled because of record-breaking heat. They were expecting 91 degrees Fahrenheit, according to the National Weather Service. The average high for the Minneapolis-St. Paul area around this time of year is about 66 degrees.
Pretty soon the only place fit to hold a marathon will be on Route 131 going from Thomaston by my house and on to Port Clyde and back. Participants might have to wrap themselves in aluminum foil to keep from losing limbs to frostbite.
The humble Farmer can be heard Friday nights at 7 on WHPW (97.3 FM) and visited at:
www.thehumblefarmer.com/
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