The cheerful chaos of the holiday season can come with a heavy cloak for those who are grieving. For some, that means approaching the first holiday after the loss of a loved one. Others of us are coping with the ever-present grief of mourning the loss of the normalcy and security of prior times.
“When this time of year rolls around, it’s normal to feel a stronger sense of yearning for your person, especially if you’re considering how (or if) to carry on with longstanding traditions that your loved one was always a part of,” Hospice of Southern Maine’s Kelly Blanchette writes. Tero Vesalainen/Shutterstock.com
Grief is often an uninvited holiday guest that can leave us wondering how to manage our emotions and honor our loved ones as the rest of the world seems to slip so easily into good cheer.
When we lose someone we love, many of us maintain a bond by keeping them a part of our life. Throughout the year, this might include talking to them, looking at photos or wearing a special piece of jewelry or clothing of theirs. When this time of year rolls around, it’s normal to feel a stronger sense of yearning for your person, especially if you’re considering how (or if) to carry on with longstanding traditions that your loved one was always a part of.
As you’re planning your holiday celebrations, consider ways to incorporate memories of your loved one into your plans. A simple yet touching memento is a clear ornament filled with small pieces of paper holding cherished memories or painted your loved one’s favorite color. You might display a photo with your holiday décor or create photo ornaments to hang on the tree. If you choose to include your loved one’s stocking, everyone can write down notes to your person and tuck them inside. You might honor your loved one by making a favorite meal or taking on a recipe they were known for. You may even find that wearing their ugly sweater to a holiday dinner brings up some cherished memories.
Many people wonder what to do with their loved one’s spot at the holiday table. Rearrange the seating? Remove the chair? Leave it open? Set a place for your person? Ultimately, the best answer is to see what feels right to you and your family or friends when the time comes. You might place a candle in that spot to honor your loved one, or perhaps a favorite item of theirs. Some families have a moment of silence or prayer, while others offer a funny or touching toast.
If you find yourself questioning whether you even want to celebrate, remember that there’s no right or wrong answer. Some people who are grieving want to dive right into the glitter and joy of the season, while others would rather not acknowledge it. Many fall right in the middle – dipping a toe in to test the waters with much trepidation.
Grief or no grief, everyone enters this time of year with high expectations. Try to determine what feels reasonable for you this year. Maybe you won’t embark on all your typical traditions; maybe you’ll create some new ones. Remember that what you do this year does not need to set the standard going forward and that you can try something different next year.
Grief looks different for everyone and it doesn’t take a vacation for the holidays. You may want to set aside the emotions in favor of festivity, but it is OK to feel sad, angry or lonely – as well as every other potential manifestation of grief. It’s also perfectly reasonable to feel joy and hope; this is not a betrayal of your loved one. Allow for some flexibility in plans and see what feels right. Grief leaves us vulnerable. Don’t forget to treat yourself with patience and kindness as you navigate the season.
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