I usually remember the overall theme of a movie, though not correctly most of the time, but I forget the smaller — some might say “major” — details that other people know even decades after watching a film.
This lapse in memory has caused me many near-misses as a parent. When the kids were young and discovered Will Farrell in “Elf” and “Kicking and Screaming,” both totally appropriate movies for young audiences, I decided that we should show them other Will Farrell movies, too.
“We should show them ‘Step Brothers,’” I told Dustin, who has an excellent memory for films — their larger themes and the smaller details.
“You don’t remember everything that happens in ‘Step Brothers,’ do you?” he said.
“They make bunk beds and watch Shark Week and become best friends. It’s funny.”
“Yes, let’s watch it,” our then very young children screamed. “‘Step Brothers!’ ‘Step Brothers!’”
Dustin leaned over to whisper in my ear and told me all of the other things that happen in “Step Brothers.” My smile changed to a grimace.
“We can’t watch ‘Step Brothers’ together until you are 18 years old,” I told the kids. “And maybe not even then.”
A similar scenario unfolded one night when I suggested we watch “Silence of the Lambs.”
“The older boys might be able to see that, but Lindell (our youngest) cannot,” Dustin said. “‘Silence of the Lambs’ is not a family-movie night kind of movie.”
“It’s about an FBI agent and a nun who helps people on death row,” I said. “Very moving and powerful.”
“You don’t remember everything that happens in ‘Silence of the Lambs,’ do you?” Dustin asked knowingly. “And you’re confusing it with ‘Dead Man Walking.’ Also not appropriate for our youngest.”
Then Dustin leaned over and whispered all the things that happen in “Silence of the Lambs.”
“‘Silence of the Lambs’ is not a family-movie-night movie after all,” I told the kids.
If not for Dustin and the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) film rating system, I could have scarred my young children for life multiple times.
In time, my oldest son, Ford, has learned — the hard way. I showed him “The Sixth Sense” (“a therapist helps a struggling little boy”) before he was ready and before I remembered everything that happens in “The Sixth Sense.” One night, when I suggested we watch “Shutter Island” (“a mystery about an old folks home and a detective”) while Dustin was away, Ford grabbed the Apple TV remote from me and said, “Let me check the rating first before you show this to Lindell.”
A few minutes later, Ford declared: “We are not watching ‘Shutter Island’ with Lindell. Not tonight. Maybe not ever.”
Sometimes, though, MPAA ratings are not helpful. I’ve learned that lesson, too. Until 1984, there was no such thing as PG- 13. Movies were basically either “Bambi-level safe” or “Freddy Kruger R.” In the eyes of the MPAA, there was very little in between. Which is why, for instance, “Jaws” and “Gremlins” are rated PG.
Honestly, even if you don’t suffer from the same movie amnesia that I do, do you remember everything that happens in “Gremlins” and “Jaws”?
Even Dustin was fooled by “Gremlins” (“a movie about cute, furry pets that a boy hides from his mom”). He agreed to show our boys “Gremlins” when all three were under the age of 10. Both of us were surprised — me for all of the reasons stated above — when we realized too late that the mother, wielding a knife, puts one gremlin in the microwave and turns it on, nuking the thing until its blood covers the inside of the door. Another gremlin gets chopped up in a blender, and its body parts fly across the kitchen.
We’d both paid for that lapse in memory when some of the kids wouldn’t go to sleep for several nights.
This past weekend, Lindell, now 11, asked to watch “Jaws.”
“We should check the rating before you show him that,” Ford, now 17, said.
“Ratings won’t help,” Dustin said wearily. “‘Jaws’ came out in 1975. Remember ‘Gremlins’ when you were little?”
“But you hardly even see Jaws in the movie,” I said. “People just talk about the damage he’s done, but viewers don’t see it.”
“Yes, ‘Jaws’ should be fine for Lindell,” Dustin agreed.
And it was fine — until Richard Dreyfuss lifted up Chrissie Watkins’ dismembered arm and Quint was snapped in half and blood shot out of his mouth.
(Lindell wants me to add a note here that he ended up loving “Jaws,” even if he turned away during some of the gruesome parts.)
Interestingly, I showed the kids “Say Anything” a few nights later, and despite it being rated PG-13 (released in 1989), the scariest thing by far was the 1980s jeans and John Cusack’s sad trench coat. Even the late-80s updated MPAA rating couldn’t protect us from ’80s fashion and big bangs.
I had forgotten about those things, too.
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