From what I can tell, millennials must be the most dangerous generation, since every day I see articles about what businesses and economic sectors we are killing, destroying and otherwise joyfully maiming on our way to the farmers market. A selection of things that 18- to 34-year-olds stand accused of killing include:
• Homeownership: OK, whose generation ruined the economy in 2008? I’ll give you a hint – it rhymes with “maybe bloomers.”
• Diamonds: They’re only seen as special because of a wildly successful marketing campaign (cheers, De Beers), and are only “rare” because De Beers hoards them like a dragon hoards gold. You can make them in a lab. I like sparkles as much as the next girl, and probably more, but I want jewelry with some color to it. And also jewelry that isn’t implicated in fueling wars and creating demand for child labor.
If someone wants to marry me, don’t bother with the diamond ring. I’d take the chunk of change and spend it on a down payment for a home. (If I weren’t already killing homeownership, that is.)
• Stilettos: While on the topic of fancy, useless feminine things, are there any women, of any generation, who actually enjoy wearing 6-inch spike heels? It’s all fun and fashion until someone breaks an ankle.
• Wine corks: Call me a heathen, but I’ve drunk a lot of wine, and whether it came from a corked bottle, a twist-top one or a box, it still tasted like decent wine. Let’s leave the cork oaks alone. (They do make good cat toys, though.)
• Motorcycles: They are two-wheeled death traps, and I am terrified of every single one of them. Not enough riders wear helmets. Do they think their skulls are thicker than concrete? Besides, motorcycles make too much noise. I cannot tell you how many times I have been abruptly awakened by the ripping of a motorcycle engine. We get it, man, you were real cool once.
However, I would like to take this moment to publicly thank the gang of motorcycle-riding paramedics who were the first people to respond to the car crash I was involved in this past Labor Day. Sorry I didn’t properly thank you in person. I was in shock. (P.S.: They were all wearing helmets.)
• Cereal: You try sitting down to eat a bowl of cereal with two cats and a raging case of lactose intolerance.
• Tanning beds: I would be happy to see every single tanning bed destroyed. My father died of skin cancer. (He never used tanning beds, but obviously I can’t destroy the sun, so this is the next best form of vengeance.)
• Casual dining chains: Farewell, Fuddruckers; au revoir, Applebee’s. Millennials may like their relationships casual, but they take their food very, very seriously.
• Banks: Although my father worked for banks for decades, he never trusted them, and I inherited that distrust from both my baby boomer parents. The whole 2008 crisis just cemented it.
I once went into a Bank of America branch to ask one simple question and remained trapped there for 30 minutes, with multiple employees pressuring me to open bank accounts. I’ve seen “The Big Short.” No banks. Credit unions all the way.
• Golf: I think golf is like yoga. For some people, it’s a relaxing exercise that doesn’t put too much pressure on their joints, and for other people, it’s boring. Just boring.
•Napkins: If millennials are destroying the napkin industry, then what’s clogging up my washing machine once a week?
But when it comes to paper napkins rather than cloth ones, it is true that I don’t buy them. I take a large handful of them whenever I’m at Dunkin’ Donuts, just like my mother taught me.
• The Canadian tourism industry: How? Why? Did we divert all their business to Maine? … Can we do that? (Has anyone tried?)
• Fabric softener: Why would you buy clothes that weren’t soft in the first place?
• Marriage: If I truly loved someone, I would not legally bind them to my $68,000 in student loan debt.
How do I plead, your honor? Pretty guilty.
Victoria Hugo-Vidal is a Maine millennial. She can be contacted at:
Twitter: @mainemillennial
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