Here I am again, third time today, idling away my time and gas at Broadway and Cottage Road in South Portland. I’m not the only one who does this. Just about everybody has an irritating intersection, they just have different names for them.
This particular crossroads and I go back decades. There was a time when turning right on red was illegal. As a teenager, I did it anyway, since it happened to be 1 a.m. and there was no traffic. It didn’t take long for Officer Carmody and his partner to come out from behind Pratt Abbott, turn on the siren and issue me a $15 ticket. Lesson learned: You can’t trust the police, and they are everywhere.
The time I spend at these traffic signals, and that is what they are, Traffic Signals, not sets of lights, has prompted me to create a guide: Useful Things to do While Stuck in the Car, or UTWSC.
• No. 1: Use this bonus time getting to know your automobile. For instance, have you familiarized yourself with the automatic moisture sensing wipers? I thought not. Though this may take more time than you actually have, at least you’ll have made a start.
• No. 2: Madame, now that you are of a certain age, whiskers are growing on your chinny-chin-chin. Don’t even try to deny it. Everyone knows about them. They are not invisible.
They may be itty-bitty, but they are also bold and black. Now is the time to get out your Health and Beauty Aid Kit, yes, you keep one in the car, and get to work with those tweezers.
OK. Now I’m on Broadway heading for The Bridge. Is that yellow light signaling that The Bridge is going up again?
That signal should also say, “Just Kidding.” Half the time the bridge doesn’t go up, or, and this is crucial, if you gun it, there is a very good chance that you will clear the span just before the gates come down. If you don’t make it, there is always, UTWSC No. 3: Sing.
Yes. It has been proven that health benefits from singing are both physical and psychological. Show tunes are best. Once you have exhausted the two show tunes you know, and the people in the car beside you, who’ve been observing your bizarre behavior, sans sound, look poised to make a 911 call at the slightest provocation, do this: Get out of your car and enjoy the view. Sometimes there are two cruise ships in Portland Harbor at the same time.
What must these passengers think of our fair city? Portland Head Light, Bug Light Park, Victoria Mansion, Beer Tours and as many restaurants per capita as San Francisco. Lawyers, too. It just doesn’t get any better.
You, my friend, are now ready for those long waits at whatever crossroads your personal cross may be. You have the tools. You have a positive attitude. You’ve got UTWSC. Just make sure you have plenty of gas.
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