STORRS, Conn. — Ever had one of those friends who, while apparently determined to offer you comfort when you’re upset, inevitably manages to upset you even more?
Is there a name for this group? How would you define them as a category?
Anointed “The Underminer” in a 2005 book by that name by Mike Albo and Virginia Heffernan, such an individual is “the subtle slayer of your hopes and the tactful destroyer of your dreams.” You’ll hear, “I think your body looks good, it’s normal. It’s a normal body. People get too hung up on thinness” or “I thought it was best for you to hear all that from me, rather than, like, some awful random person.”
But I wanted more subtle distinctions; I didn’t want to focus on the peripheral people in our lives who are often called “frenemies.” I know that bunch well enough to put them in alphabetical order in my Rolodex.
They’re the ones who say, “I know you’ve been working extremely hard on the publicity for your book, but I haven’t seen anything in Vanity Fair or Vogue. Are your publishers mad at you?” They say, “I love how you aren’t trying to look younger.” They say, “You still have a Rolodex?”
So when I started asking about how to fine-tune the category of harm-inflicters, one woman replied immediately: Martha Chaves calls these people “comedians.” That’s the business she’s in, so she should know.
“If you have a bad set, there are comics who’ll say ‘Your jokes were fine, but the audience sucked,’ ” she explained, “Which we all know translates as ‘Your set sucked,’ and it makes you feel worse than you already felt.”
But what about the folks to whom you trust your most intimate and vulnerable self? What about those who can unintentionally eviscerate you even as they’re trying to pat you on the back?
A surprising number of people referred to the group who ritually make wounds wider, deeper and worse as, simply, “family.”
Family is different, though, right? Fate assigns us certain relatives so that we’ll have contact with people we’d otherwise never choose to know. Friends, however, are those whose company we cultivate deliberately. We’re responsible for our friendships – even the ones that dishearten us.
My friend Risa Nye offers this case as evidence of a well-meant exchange going wrong:
“Me: ‘My sister died from lung cancer.’
“Comforting Friend: ‘Oh, I’m so sorry. Did she smoke?’ ”
Translating as, “Did she deserve this punishment or was she an innocent victim?” The Comforting Friend offers condolences to the bereaved sister, but her “I’m so sorry” is undermined entirely by the simultaneous need to decide whether or not to assign blame to the deceased. Whether or not Risa’s sister smoked, Risa’s loss remains equally painful and profound – and her loss is what needs to be addressed.
Such Comforting Friends are straight out of the Book of Job. A former colleague, Patricia Juliana Smith, refers to members of this often divinely inspired gang as the “God-Botherers,” easily spotted by their need to provide “moralizing pronouncements about your grief: ‘It was God’s will,’ or ‘God has other plans for you.’ ” She points out, “The deity they talk about always bears a suspicious resemblance to the speaker himself or herself.”
Interestingly enough, many folks assumed that the Germans must have a word for it. “There’s probably a ponderous compound word in German that both sounds like and refers to someone who offers to help you move and ends up dropping a heavy dresser on your foot,” said Shannon Watkins. She’s close: I learned that the invented term “Schadenfriend” is common among hipsters.
But another pal inadvertently invented a far better term by messing up the Teutonic spelling; Janet came up with “Schadenfreundin,” which literally translates into “Damage Girlfriend.”
That’s a great name for what these people are: “Damage Girlfriends.” There are, naturally, also “Damage Boyfriends,” as my own diary entries (1973-1989) can prove. Precisely because these folks are destructive the way forces of nature are destructive – free from malice but nevertheless involving torment – they carry damage with them without being harmed by it themselves.
Be cautious. Sometimes you need to watch your back even when you’re being offered a hug. Damage inflicted unintentionally remains damaging.
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