Gilmore Hilton was surprised and upset when he heard that a colleague had been reprimanded for wearing a sombrero and drinking tequila on campus. A sophomore from Mexico said she was “uncomfortable with the total lack of sensitivity to my heritage. Do not stereotype my culture.”
Gilmore thought the young woman should have been flattered. He decided to use caustic wit to expose the human folly and send 10 absurd recommendations to the president of the college. Here they are:
1. Those telling “blonde jokes” will be put on probation.
2. All bathrooms on campus will be gender neutral. All urinals will be removed.
3. The asexual amoeba will become the school’s mascot.
4. French fries will be called simply “fries” in the cafeteria.
5. The doors to the chapel will be locked until the pictures of biblical scenes can be painted over.
6. No less than five women must be in uniform and play in every game of the college’s presently all-male football team.
7. First-year students must take and pass two courses: “On Becoming Politically Correct” and “To Develop a Social Conscience.”
8. Let it be determined now that the college’s next president will be a woman.
9. The number 42, worn by Jackie Robinson during his stellar baseball career, will be the only number on the college’s baseball uniforms.
10. Every student must enroll in every foreign language offered in the curriculum for a minimum of one semester.
Gilmore Hilton tried to maintain a serious posture and “poker face” as he presented his suggestions to the president’s secretary. Then he quickly left the campus.
Morton Soule teaches Latin at Cape Elizabeth High School. He can be reached at mortsoule@gmail.com.
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