My doctor told me I needed more fiber in my diet to keep my colon from doing things it shouldn’t. I don’t like it when my doctor starts talking like that. and he seems to be doing more of that kind of talking all the time. I’m all for a healthy diet, but I’m not about to radically alter my lifestyle and start doing anything blatantly “healthy.” I have my principles.
To be specific, my doctor said I should eat more raw vegetables and whole grains and if I did that on a “regular” basis, my colon would start working like a charm. I don’t like the way that sounds.
Over the years I never thought that much about my colon or what it was doing. We had this agreement that I wouldn’t bother it and it wouldn’t bother me. But since my doctor took the time to mention fiber and say that I should be getting more of it, I thought I’d be on the lookout for things of a fibrous nature, and I’d really try and get some when I could.
A few days later, I was in the grocery store picking up a few simple items including a loaf of bread, which I hoped would include some fiber for me and my colon. As I went up and down the bread aisle looking at all the shapes, colors, sizes and prices on the many brands of bread, I came across a loaf that made me laugh out loud – or lol, as we say in texts.
Boldly printed on the bag, it said, “12 Grains Bread.” It looks like someone was having fun at my doctor’s expense and was making fun of his serious medical advice. Twelve grains! It’s a veritable fiber festival. My colon will think I swallowed a box of shredded wheat and I don’t even own any shredded wheat.
I kept repeating to myself: Twelve grains. What would they think of next? It’s like they couldn’t decide what kind of bread to make so they threw in every grain ever gown on the good earth.
Talk about indecision. Why can’t these bread bakers just pick a grain and go with it? On the shelf next to the 12-grain bread was a puny loaf of seven-grain bread. There was a time when I would have been impressed with a seven-grain bread, but those times are now gone. Why buy a seven-grain when, for about the same price, you can get five grains more?
But what are the 12 grains? After thinking about it for a minute, I tried to name 12 grains. I soon realized that I couldn’t. I couldn’t name 12 grains I’d like to see in a loaf of bread. I didn’t know there were 12 grains on our planet and now – in 21st-century America – people are baking and I can purchase a loaf of bread containing 12 grains for me and my colon.
Standing there in the aisle of the supermarket, I tried to name 12 grains, any 12. Let’s see, I thought: wheat, oats, corn, rye, barley, rice. Six grains was the best I could do and these bread people managed to find six more that were edible.
In case you’re wondering, I eventually looked it up. The grains that make up my 12-grain loaf are wheat, oats, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds, rye, barley, corn, millet, triticale, rice, flax and buckwheat.
How’s a 12-grain bread taste? I thought it was pretty good. And with all that fiber, I’m assuming my colon is tickled pink.
John McDonald is the author of five books on Maine, including “John McDonald’s Maine Trivia: A User’s Guide to Useless Information.” Contact him at mainestoryteller@yahoo.com.
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