When a person is in politics, some people elevate the person in big and strange ways (always a mistake).
Often this is done to make the elevator feel more important (“We have been in contact with such and such a person he is in politics!!”).
I first experienced this phenomenon in l984 when I began a 10-year career in Cumberland County and York County politics. I was 26 years old, and knew little (I am older now, and still know little, but on many many topics!).
For 10 years, in the l980s and early 90s, I spoke at seven different graduation ceremonies. Although I had little to offer, I kept getting asked back to places.
Now, years later, out of political office, I am tempted to take a whack at the assignment again—-mostly after seeing some other people doing the duties locally!
Here goes—Generic Graduation Speech 101.
Dear graduates and parents,
Graduates, congratulations on today. This is a big day for you perhaps. But bigger for those around you. That is just the way it is. People often tend to invest in stuff that is not their own and then want to call the shots. Am I right?
Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles this is not your day. But it is a good time, as you sit here through speeches like this, and other presentations to deliberate. (Most Improved Attitude, Second Period, Spanish is my favorite award of all time!) Think of all the money you have spent on this graduate for various purposes. Make a note to ask your accountant if it can be an education-expense deduction, or perhaps a deduction as some sort of gift. Make the day more valuable.
Graduates, I could spend the next 10 minutes saying flowery things. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, challenge yourself to reach new heights, to see the world not as it is, but as it should be, etc. etc.
Uh huh.
Been there. Done that.
Here instead, as a public service, is Ten Things Every Graduation Speaker Should be Required by Federal or State Law to Say at Graduation (or have in a handout to be distributed after the event).
THANKS Always thank people. First, they probably deserve it. Also, it will make you appear more mature and magnanimous. This could lead to gifts, often cash.
NOTES Do it in notes. Letter writing is not only a lost art. It is Smithsonian level. But it sells, compadre, it sells. No one will ever complain about getting a note or thank-you note or letter from you. Again, think possible $$ cash flow.
HELP! Learn how to change a flat tire. You think I am kidding, right? Wrong. Every person gets an average of 10 flat tires in their life. You can call AAA. But they will tell you they will have someone there in 45 minutes. That is 450 minutes out of your life (for you non-math majors that is seven and a half hours). What could you do with that time? I know fill out your weekly NFL betting sheet for three entire seasons.
BE SKEPTICAL Triple A will take longer than 45 minutes. Learn to be skeptical about what authority figures tell you.
GAMBLING Stay away from NFL football pool cards. There is a reason they call it gambling it is high risk! Invest your money in the stock market instead. And buy the insurance coverage they offer. When it tanks (it is all a gamble), at least you will have at least partial coverage.
SHOW UP I know some of you are perfectionists. Lose it. It is far more important to show up for meetings, classes, other obligations. People often will not remember what you say when you are in their presence, but they will give you credit for being there. If you can be on time, even better (I used to say, hey, SOMEBODY is going to be late, might as well be me! Got old, I guess).
SORRY Develop your own version of an apology. People like to hear you are wrong. There are whole websites on how to do this. A real art. Doesn’t have to be “I’m sorry….or …I was wrong.” Just has to convey you are Thoughtful, and Deep—and kindasorta a schmuck. This will keep you on BBQ invite lists.
JUNK FOOD Eat all the junk food you want. Don’t listen to sermons and lectures. Only avoid such offerings if the harm to your physique and health becomes greater than the joy you feel in horrifying your old health teacher by eating french fries AND a whoopie pie.
RSVP Always respond to requests for information etc. from those you know. Even if you don’t want to take them up on the offer, “Say either/or ——don’t ignore.” You will get big points or courteousness, and also appear mature. And, boys, don’t let your mothers respond for you. Do it yourself.
HELICOPTER Moms, let your sons respond to obligation-type inquiries in life. Don’t do it for them. Kindergarten soccer questions are one thing. With college inquiries, it can get ugly.
You have a limited time to make a good first impression on the world (they are key you can ride that wave for a loooooooonnnnngggg time if you play it right!).
Let’s jump on it, people.
Dan Warren lives in Scarborough. He can be reached at jonesandwarren@gmail.com.
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