The campaign is over. It’s time to get gussied up for Maine’s premier political awards show. Pull the fancy duds out of storage, and cover up any moth holes with duct tape and Bondo. (Those of you without dinner wear and designer gowns will still be admitted in denim jeans, shirts and jackets – an outfit sometimes referred to as a “lumberjack tuxedo.”)
Yes, it’s the Gaggies, honoring those who have taken ineptitude in the pursuit of power to new heights. Or depths.
The Gaggies are named after Hayes Gahagan, who in 1978 set the record for quirkiest news conference by a candidate. The then-independent U.S. Senate hopeful summoned reporters to announce that persons unknown had placed subliminal images of genitalia in the hairline in his photos.
He provided enlargements. Looked like dandruff to me.
Today, Gahagan sits on the Republican State Committee, where he’s considered a member of the party establishment. He still has enough hair on his head to hide almost anything, except common sense.
Now, let’s have the envelope for the first of this year’s Gaggie Award winners.
The “Hanging Around With A Bad Crowd” prize goes to Matt Vachon, a candidate for the Brewer City Council. In October, Vachon complained on Facebook and in the media that somebody was stealing his campaign signs. His opponents’ supporters? Nope. Vachon said it was his pals, who wanted them for souvenirs. We’re pleased to present him with a vintage copy of Merle Haggard’s “From Now On, All My Friends Are Gonna Be Strangers.”
Portland is always good for a Gaggie or two, and this year is no exception. The state’s most populous burg offered up a City Council candidate nicknamed “Wells,” even though nearly everyone has public water. Or how about “Holly D’anger,” a burlesque performer (that’s what polite people call a stripper, because it somehow excuses them from public disdain for paying to watch women take off their clothes), who was seeking a seat on the school committee. And then there’s “Taffy Pulls,” a drag queen running for the council under his real name, which is nowhere near as interesting. For that diverse showing, Portland earns the trophy for “City Most Likely To Cause Hayes Gahagan To Run Screaming From It While Tearing Out His Hair.”
Concern for Children is some sort of North Dakota-based organism that bought mind-boggling ads in the Bangor Daily News opposing same sex marriage. Here’s a sample: “To better insure that there will be sexually disease free candidates for marriage, the public schools have worked with youth and their parents to implement programs with the intent of keeping sexually transmitted diseases out of the institution of marriage and society. Unfortunately, teaching safe, same gender sexual expression falls within the realm of teaching youth how to smoke safely.” The ad also claims “The Center (sic) for Disease Control” is a “private governmental agency.” Concern for Children is the winner of the “Concern For Adults Who Don’t Know The Difference Between Private and Governmental, Have Trouble Writing Coherent Sentences And Have Apparently Never Heard Of Condoms” loving cup.
In most of Maine, voters might be surprised to discover the Green Independent Party still exists. After all, the Greens haven’t run any credible candidates for major office recently, making them nearly as irrelevant as the Democrats. But in Brunswick, liberalism is thriving, and the Greens and the Dems are engaged in a fierce battle to determine which party is most out of step with the rest of the state. This is a place where the chairman of the town’s Republican committee (motto: If You Have An Empty Refrigerator Crate, We Could Use It For Our Meetings) had a sign supporting a Green House candidate on his lawn. This is a municipality where leftists threatened to boycott a bookstore for displaying a Democratic House hopeful’s sign. This is a town that’s earned the plaque for being “Almost As Entertaining As Portland, Even Without Any Drag Queens On The Ballot.”
Speaking of signs, if one suddenly turns up in front of your house expressing views that are contrary to your own, be careful how you react. In Manchester, a business owner discovered posters opposing same-sex marriage stuck on her property. She took them down, because she had a policy of not taking sides in political races. Big mistake. State Department of Transportation spokesman Ted Talbot told the Morning Sentinel the only people authorized to remove such signs are the campaign that put them up and the property owner, and “if it is within the state right of way, the property owner is the DOT.” If that’s so, the department should be receptive to its Gaggie Award, which is the bill for property taxes and insurance on all the land it says it owns.
That’s all we have time for this year, but we’ll be sending Hayes Gahagan his usual honorarium for any damage done to his coiffure: a case of Rogaine.
Got a comment? Don’t go subliminal. Email me at aldiamon@herniahill.net.
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