In a recent, well-attended press conference, the congressional Republican leadership offered a revolutionary plan: They propose to abandon the war on drugs. They said this plan will guarantee the right to bear arms, prevent any kind of abortion whatsoever, provide a full tax exemption for people making over $500,000 a year and outlaw same-sex marriages – all subjects that have long been matters of Republican care and concern.
While the officials did not use the word “abandon” – choosing instead, “surge,” which served so well in expanding a foreign war a few years ago – the intent is certainly a profound departure from policies long identified with the GOP. (In fact, the war on drugs was originally created by that iconic Republican, Richard Milhous Nixon.) To most neutral observers, this “surge” proposal seems as radical a course for Republicans as raising the minimum wage, expanding Social Security or providing health care. It is like having the GOP abandon farm subsidies or cut national defense spending. Some observers compared it to Mr. Cheney admitting that Iraq was a humongous mistake.
They propose to immediately disband the armies of drug enforcement, close down the DEA, and turn off the federal dollar spigot that has long infected local enforcement warriors. At the same time, they will free inmates in federal prisons incarcerated for non-lethal drug offenses.
Their plan glittered with projected savings and with ideas for future economic stimulation. Prison costs all over the country will be eased and there will be immediate reductions from current budgets – including elimination of local drug war subsidies to states. In Maine, it is estimated that 169 police at all levels can be diverted from sitting watch on teenagers trying to score a dollar for home-grown weed, to clearing Maine of peeping toms, lap dancers and cattle rustlers.
It will also save money spent on education. The spokesmen forecast that the “market” – so beloved by GOP economists – will take care of underperforming students. Those youngsters who don’t do well in high school can be gainfully employed in dope production or distribution, paid work that will improve the well being of everyone, much like the wealth from Wall Street bonuses currently benefits the middle class. The speakers brushed aside questions about any similarity of this plan with the “trickle down” economic theories of Mr. Reagan.
The GOP promised that the extremely high profit currently enjoyed by the illegal drug trade will disappear, which in turn will reduce “spinoff” crime where burglary, robbery and self-flagellation traditionally have provided money for expensive drugs. In this connection, an international relations bonus was forecast: With dope prices in the U.S. down, profits for Mexican drug cartels would disappear and the banditos would be forced to return to their traditional occupation of train robbery and cattle rustling.
The speakers also envisioned a cleaner world where entrepreneurs will cook chemicals under pure food guidelines, thus insuring unadulterated product – while at the same time reducing attic and barn fires in Washington County. Green thumbs here in Maine would have an option of planting a backyard cash crop – even on rooftops in Munjoy Hill or enclosed Cape Elizabeth patios. A legal drug trade would be of particular benefit to Maine agriculture. Aroostook can get off the potato feast-or-famine merry-go-round that has made so many good farmers simpleminded. They can grow pot for sale to Canadians.
The University of Maine could open two new schools funded by a small tax on pot – one to train processors and producers, one to teach dope marketing principles, a merchandising Mecca where slogans such as “Maineiac Manna” would grace academia. This expansion would give employment to two more deans, two more dean staffs and one or two professors.
There was a shadow on the proposal: lawyers seem poised to fight any such legislation. Without the war on drugs, their income would be compromised and they would have to join Joe Bornstein in litigation advertising. On the other hand, “green” activists seem likely to offset the lawyers. The tree huggers envision large marijuana crops that, like all plant growth, would mean reductions in earth warming. A small group of Greens chanted, “FFF–GGG!!” (“Forego Fossil Fuels, Go Green Growing”) outside Republican National Headquarters.
In making a personal appeal that should be personally meaningful to Republicans, the new national chairman of the GOP promised that this move would defeat subversive commie plots and would prevent the loss of precious bodily fluids.
Devil’s Dictionary
Quote of the Week
Politically Correct: A derogatory term used by Republicans to denounce anything that could conceivably lead to a juster, freer society.
Rodney Quinn, a former Maine secretary of state, lives in Gorham. He can be reached at rquinn@maine.rr.com.
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