Q: I’ve been reading your column for years and notice that you normally answer questions dealing with younger children. Do you have any insight on how older children, 18-22, handle their parents’ divorce? I want to know what to look out for and how well they fare afterward. Are they already old enough so they won’t be scarred? I suppose the damage is already done from living in a home with a long, unhappy marriage. What do you think?
A: Under most circumstances (save domestic violence, alcohol or substance abuse), there’s never a better or worse time to get a divorce. Moreover, if you wait until your kids are older to split, you may be wasting your time. Most kids we speak to about this subject volunteer that they wished their parents had just gotten a divorce earlier so they could all start over. Many kids feel that when their parents stay together for “the kids’ sake” it keeps the family in limbo and the home in constant turmoil.
That said, although adult kids are old enough to intellectually understand when their parents split, they still have the same allegiance and betrayal issues as younger kids do. Moving also can be quite disconcerting to older kids, and with divorce, someone moves. Many kids go to college at 18, and if the divorce happens the first year they are away, it can be particularly shocking having to decide which parent’s home to go to for the holidays or summer break.
In terms of how to handle divorce when the child is an adult, some things are the same. Don’t volunteer more information than necessary, but don’t be dishonest, either. Get on the same page with the other parent so one is not contradicting the other, although this may be close to impossible since most divorcing couples rarely see the issues in the same way. The best approach is to be available to your child’s questions and answer truthfully. If they start asking personal questions about the other parent, don’t lie or make excuses. Point them to the other parent for answers.
If one parent has been wronged by the other, it’s not uncommon for children, especially adult children, to align with the underdog. In an effort to allow your children to maintain a positive relationship with both parents, do your best not to bad-mouth each other. This is the part where people tell us horrible stories about what was done to them and the children, and under these circumstances, isn’t it OK to verify that their ex is a creep? To which we say, it’s not necessarily what you say, but how you say it. Make sure the information you are passing on is based in fact, not revenge.
Jann Blackstone-Ford, Ph.D., and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com).
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