Q: My ex and I broke up months ago, but we still hang around with the same friends as we did when we were together. My best friend is living with her best friend and they are having a party. I want to go, but I really don’t want to deal with the ex and her new boyfriend.
My friend doesn’t know whom to invite — me or my ex. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: After friends break up, friends often agonize about which friend to support, especially if one or the other has been a longtime friend.
But, it’s really not their problem.
Good ex-etiquette dictates that if friends of the former couple wish to remain friends to both “exes,” then both “exes” should be invited to their party.
The host then informs both that the other has been invited and if he or she wants to attend, it is up to them.
It is implied, however, that if exes do attend the same party, they should act like grown-ups and not cause a scene. No obvious hate stares from across the room or gossipy drama broiling behind the scenes.
If that sounds like a challenge you’re not up to, stay away. Respect the home of the people who have invited you.
We see a huge red flag here. Parties often mean alcohol, and alcohol and exes rarely mix well. Plus, your ex is bringing her new boyfriend to the party. If that’s going to be difficult for you to handle, consider skipping the festivities.
If you go, be aware that if you drink, there’s increased potential for craziness, so again, out of respect for the host and hostess (and yourself), stay on top of how much you consume.
And if you see that your ex is consuming more than usual, do not attempt to regulate what she does.
With her new boyfriend there, if you get involved there’s sure to be drama. And drama potential can create the need for a quick exit, so make sure there’s a designated driver nearby.
Couples who have broken up often attempt to reconcile during this time of year, only to find around March or April that the problems that broke them up are still there. Problems rarely just go away.
It’s a new year, so consider this an opportunity to contemplate how you will create the relationship you want the next time.
And, finally, good for you for not expecting your friends to choose between you and your ex. That would be very bad ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Exetiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com).
— McClatchy-Tribune
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