For too long now Santa Claus has become synonymous with good cheer, all-night binges of altruism and an overly joyful disposition. These and other such nefarious activities will soon come to an end when one reads the following version (unauthorized, of course) of the Christmas List.
Obviously obsequious, Santa’s supposedly a beacon of goodness to all mankind, bringing presents to all the little girls and boys across the globe. Fooey. Everyone seems to love and revere Santa, but the question we need to ask this Christmas is whether we really should – whether we can continue to live this Christmas lie. Upon closer inspection of the big man in the red suit, it’s clear no thinking man or woman or child can retain their naivete when it comes to Jolly Old Saint Nick.
Top 10 reasons why Santa is a fraud:
10. Santa is judgmental. He’s always categorizing people. “Naughty” and “nice” are just two of his favorite holier-than-thou judgments. He’s such a simpleton. He sees nothing but black and white. How are we going to come together as people if we have dividers like Santa keeping us from embracing diversity? Naughty and nice are mere labels. They reveal nothing about the true individual!
9. He also abuses helpless animals. Watch Santa as he whips those beautiful reindeer! Not to mention how he makes them tromp around the entire earth in one night with hardly a pit stop. And, when they do get to rest, they’re perched on the steep slope of house roofs, inches from possible death. He lords his humanity (and opposable thumbs!) over the animal kingdom. How dominating!
8. He’s also obese, likely the result of years of lazy loafing. What image is that sending to our kids, who themselves are beginning to take on Santa’s pudgy characteristics? He works one day a year and the rest of the time sits around telling his elves what to do. No wonder he’s so fat.
7. He uses aliases regularly. Santa. Santa Claus. Kris Kringle. St. Nicholas. Jolly Old Saint Nick. Father Christmas. Old Man Christmas. Who knows how many fake names this guy has? A model citizen has one name and sticks to it!
6. Santa flouts his workers’ right to fair labor practices. According to North Pole newspaper reports, the elves are overworked, unpaid and don’t have health insurance. They’re slaves, with Santa their taskmaster. Where’s the labor union? Santa knows he provides the only economic show in the North Pole, and he’s abusing his monopoly. He’s got those elves so afraid for their jobs that organizing is definitely out of the question. He’s a union buster to end all union busters.
5. He smokes and imbibes. We all know the guy smokes pipes and slides down blackened chimneys. With that deadly combination, imagine what his lungs must look like?! Is that what we want our kids doing, as well? And what’s up with those ruddy cheeks? Some may say he’s of Scottish descent. But, more likely, the cheeks are a tell-tale sign he’s been tipping back a few more than he should.
4. Santa is no lover of civil rights. Even when he sees Rudolph coldly excluded from playing any reindeer games, he turns his head in disregard. He fails to extend a compassionate hand to Rudolph’s, instead leaving the poor fellow to pull himself up by his own bootstraps. It’s hard enough to use hands to pull ourselves up with. Rudolph’s hoofs must make it impossible! How cold of Santa, even for the North Pole!
3. He cares little for the law. When he enters United States air space, does he check in with control towers? No, of course not. Does he stop to think about breaking and entering people’s homes – through their chimneys, even? Not ever! He’s a lawless rogue, exiting the scene quickly before authorities can be alerted.
2. And why does he keep touching his nose? The only other group of people that seem preoccupied with their noses are cocaine addicts. Is that why he’s so jolly all of the time? Is it the cocaine that fuels these all-night circumnavigations of the earth?
And the number one reason we should stop praising Santa is…
Santa’s name is clearly a play on the dark one. Satan. Santa. There’s not much difference. Jumble a few letters and his true identity is revealed. Some say the word “Santa” comes from “Saint,” but that’s clearly a myth thrust upon each unsuspecting generation. Most scholars agree the etymological origins of “Santa” come from the demonic underworld, where the legions of inhabitants toy with souls still on earth. This underworld is deviously similar to the North Pole where “elves” (really demons) spend their days making toys for children. Santa – bedecked in red, Satan’s trademark color let’s not forget – watches over them while they spend eternity toiling away.
-John “the Scrooge” Balentine, contributing editor
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