She’s put up with children who peel her wallpaper, who punch holes in her walls, who swear, who kick, who run away. Kids who wield knives and kids who deliberately defecate the bed.
Most call her mom; many at times call her something unspeakable, and some have continued to call her up, years after they’ve left her care.
Her name is Helen Nevers and she and her husband, John, are therapeutic foster parents with SMART Child and Family Services in Windham.
Although Helen had no idea, after graduating with a degree in behavioral science, that she would become a foster parent, she says her husband had always known he wanted to work with troubled youth – he even mentioned his dream in the paragraph under his senior yearbook picture.
Early in their marriage, the couple, who lives on Standish Glen Road in Standish, ran a group home for teenaged girls in Hinkley, Maine. At any given time during their six-year tenure, they were responsible for eight to 12 troubled girls between the ages of 12 and 18.
Their daughter, Courtney, 18, a senior at Bonny Eagle High School, was two when they moved to the group home. Their son, Charlie, 16, was born not long after they arrived.
When Charlie was diagnosed with autism, Helen went back to school to learn more about his disorder. But, instead of letting his care become her whole life, she continued to care for troubled kids.
And when the Nevers left the group home, they took in foster children and teens and raised them along with their own.
After nearly 20 years working first in the group home and then as therapeutic foster parents, the Nevers figure they have cared for about 80 children.
According to Helen, by definition, therapeutic foster children “have all been taken out of the custody of their parents due to neglect, abuse or abandonment.” While the first goal of the system is to reunite them with their families within 15 months, oftentimes it doesn’t happen. Some of these children stay with the Nevers for years.
Therapeutic foster care is the last line of defense before these children are sent to a group home – one last chance to grow up as part of a family.
Helen has seen an alarming change during her 20 years as a foster caregiver – a change in the children and teens they are entrusted with.
“They are so much more damaged so much earlier,” she said. “Their behaviors are so much more severe.”
Witnessing far more violence and rage in these children’s behavior, Helen says she believes it’s not only how they’ve been raised but what they’re being allowed to watch on television.
In fact, the anger and expressions of violence from a nine-year-old boy who stayed with them last summer caused the Nevers to send him back, the first time they had ever had to resort to that. Although Helen had put up with some pretty unconventional behaviors in the past, this boy’s actions jeopardized the well being of Helen’s own children and left the family no choice.
Right now, they have two sisters, ages 7 and 11, staying with them.
When the girls arrived, they brought a thriving colony of lice with them that went undetected for a short time; yet long enough to share them with others. After giving the girls eight medicated shampoo treatments, Helen finally licked the lice.
But how does the mom of all moms continue to give so much to so many?
“My faith,” Helen answers simply. “And I think we all have an impact on other people’s children but we don’t think we do. My husband and I know that and we bring it into our life more than some people do. It’s a calling.”
Much of their impact takes place at the dinner table, where Helen says they do some of their best teaching. These relaxed times of family conversation give them the perfect opportunity to introduce concepts, discuss day-to-day activities and offer a listening ear and an encouraging word to any situation.
Helen tells her charges that she’s a “life coach.” If she accomplishes nothing else, she wants to help them be prepared for life.
One concept taught early on in a stay at the Nevers’ is the difference between wants and needs.
“You want, you work towards; you need, you get,” Helen counsels.
Believing that many of these children come to her with an attitude of entitlement, Helen hopes she can help them understand that they will have to work for what they want, both in the Nevers’ home and in real life.
As she strives to teach them what she believes is most critical for them to learn in the uncertain amount of time she has with them, Helen believes “you only have a season of influence.” She never knows how long it will be, but she says she must do what she can each day.
Although Helen says as often as once a week she feels she can’t do it anymore, she continues. And sometimes, she sees rewards in unlikely places, demonstrating the influence she doesn’t always realize she has.
For example, one girl she felt she’d never gotten through to called Helen years later and told her she had always admired her and wanted to be just like her.
When Helen first welcomes a new child into her home, she feels a “bond of protection and nurture” toward him or her. But she says the longer she does this job, the more she realizes she must not immediately form an emotional attachment. The motherly love actually comes later.
“I think it looks the same to others but it feels different in my heart,” she said. “You have to be able to separate some way.”
Indeed, it must look the same to others because most people say they don’t know her foster children from her “real” ones.
Helen Nevers’ love is deep enough to share.
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