Helping others by helping herself

Thousands suffer silently from the effects of unspeakable acts – many, convinced it was somehow their fault; many, terrified that it will happen again; many, certain that no one will believe them.

Tormented from the demons that haunt their waking hours and invade their deepest sleep, some turn to drugs, alcohol or self-abusive behaviors to try to ease the persistent hurt, block the feeling of being somehow “dirty,” and numb the overwhelming feelings of worthlessness.

In a way, Holly George, 21, was lucky. Two years ago, George was raped three times in one night by Adam Stone, a former boyfriend. But her method of coping was to keep busy. After the incident, she threw herself into a flurry of volunteering.

“I engaged myself in a lot of activities,” said George, a senior at Saint Joseph’s College. “It was a way for me to not think about it – I didn’t have the time to have to deal with it.”

It even worked for a while.

But during the weeks and months that followed the attack, the cloak of protection and avoidance George had drawn around her began to slip.

On several occasions, while working her summer job at a supermarket, George was convinced she had seen her assailant in the store and began to panic. And whenever she’d drive by the sign for the town of Gray, the place where her rape happened, she would begin to relive the experience.

She also became claustrophobic in crowds and would start to hyperventilate and have to leave. While her parents were away on vacation, leaving her alone, she made her cousin come over to check every room of the house each night before she went to bed; then slept with all the lights on.

But the nightmares – the terrible, terrifying nightmares that came without warning – were the worst. Sometimes they replayed that awful night – a real life, play-by-play horror movie of the attack. Sometimes they followed an even more sinister plot – a twisted performance in which all the men George trusts, including her father and brother, would attack her. Sometimes she would scream in her sleep. Sometimes she would wake up crying or out of breath.

And then one day, while waiting for a friend she’d brought to the hospital, George “lost it.” The examining table, the trauma room, the metal and cement and cold, sterile surroundings carried her back to her last visit – the extensive exam she endured after she’d been raped.

The resulting panic attack, combined with her friends’ and her mother’s encouragement, convinced George to seek counseling.

“I had a number of outbursts with my mom – she said I needed to get help,” George said. “I went to please everybody else and ended up going for myself. I realized what everybody told me was true.”

George has attended weekly counseling sessions for the past nine months. And in that time, with her counselor’s help and her friends’ support, she has come to terms with many of the thoughts and feelings regarding the rape that threatened to control her life.

One area that George worked on with her counselor was learning not to blame herself for the rape. Although George had made it very clear to Stone before their evening began that she was interested in rekindling nothing more than their friendship, and despite saying “no” to him repeatedly, after the attack she suffered from feelings of guilt.

“At the time, it felt like it was my fault,” she said. “Especially if the person is someone you know, you start thinking, I could have done something (to prevent it).”

Now George recognizes that there was nothing she could or should have done – he overpowered her.

But the incident does offer a disturbing reminder for women (and men) to be cautious of renewing destructive relationships.

When George had dated Stone during her early years of high school, he became physically abusive – first an elbow to her face, then a slap. The abuse and her refusal to have sex with him were the reasons they broke up.

Although she hadn’t seen Stone in years, George had remained friends with his mother. And when she finally spoke with him again two years ago, she thought he’d changed.

“When we had talked the night before, he said he was so sorry – said all the things a girl wants to hear. And I fell for every one of them,” she said.

But, after the attack, Stone told her, during a conversation taped by the state police, that he knew what she really wanted and knew she hadn’t meant “no.”

The case never went to trial. Because Stone pled guilty, his three counts were reduced to one, resulting in a two-year prison sentence. He will be out in a few months.

George says she’s scared about his release.

“I’m scared to know he’ll have the opportunity to do it to somebody else; to do it to me again,” she said.

The good news is, she won’t be around. Last fall, she married Philip George and the two of them plan to move to Philadelphia in May, right after she graduates.

Her new husband has been very supportive of George and her healing process. And with his encouragement, George has made speaking out about her ordeal a big part of her healing.

“I’m not going to let him (Stone) stop my life because of what he did to me,” she said.

Last October, George began organizing a Sexual Assault Awareness Week at Saint Joseph’s College. With speakers, discussion groups and a candlelight vigil, the campus-wide event took place last week.

During the Thursday night rally, George spoke publicly about her experience for the first time. Although she says she “was scared beyond anything,” she looked out at the sea of her supporters, some of them sister-survivors, and told her story.

And in the telling, she drew power and purpose.

“The more I speak up, the more others will see they can speak up and it will help with their healing,” she said. “To know I’m helping other women go through what I’ve gone through will give my life purpose.”

As George prepares to start her “adult life,” graduating with a degree in criminal justice and social work, she looks forward to the difference she can make as an advocate for other women.

And she vows never to forget the words or the message of one of her favorite quotes from Martin Luther King, Jr.:

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