Many of us, when we reach the latter part of our middle years, find ourselves traveling in reverse. Our hands-on parenting days are over; our children are grown and gone, but before we can take a deep breath, and go on that long delayed vacation, it seems we are in the role of caretaker again. This time we’re caring for our elderly relative.
From our perspective, this is really difficult, especially if the relative is a parent. We are more than willing to help, but sometimes don’t know how.
I’ve seen this over and over, and in fact, lived it. We find ourselves making decisions for the person who we counted on most of our lives. They were the decision makers. Some of us provide guidance, and in many situations, daily care. The reaction to this help seems the same as when our children were young. They listen, but reluctantly. It must be so difficult for our parents to be in this situation where they, who always led the way, now must follow.
Many articles are written about care-givers, and much advice is shared, but there doesn’t seem to be any local “support group” for those of us who are in this situation. We meet in the aisles of the grocery store, ask each other how our mother (or father, or aunt) is doing.
“Well, he’s at Shady Acres now, but he doesn’t like it and complains all the time. He didn’t like it at the other place, either…not enough room for all his things.”
I get e-mails from friends all over the state, who are so stressed trying to manage a job, their own family, go to grandchildren’s graduations, and still find time to visit nursing homes or assisted living, and continue to take their parent to doctors appointments, to the drug store, and shopping.
One friend writes, “There never seems to be enough time. I just get home from her new apartment at ‘Comfy Corner’ (30 miles away), and the phone is ringing and it’s my aunt asking if I can bring over some extra blankets…today. When I tell her I’d be over tomorrow on my lunch hour, she is so disappointed and of course, I feel so guilty. But what can I do? My son is arriving and I have to get supper, and I’m supposed to be babysitting my grandson tonight.”
My friends aren’t looking for solutions – there isn’t time to do that – they mostly just want to vent their frustration. There aren’t enough available places for older people who need help, there isn’t enough time and there definitely is a shortage of help. And on top of it all, it’s so difficult to deal with the change.
Fortunately for most people in my age group, we have several siblings to share this awesome responsibility. Today’s families with their one or two children, will be in for more of a challenge unless American society faces the fact that there is a shortage of medical professionals, a shortage of appropriate, safe housing and a vast lack of understanding and compassion for the elderly.
Most of us, while we’re still “middle aged” vow we will never subject our children to the responsibility of caring for us, but from what I’ve observed, no matter how one plans, either financially or emotionally, no matter how good the intentions, things happen to upset those plans. And our society in America, just isn’t prepared to support the full impact of elder care, or the impact that caring for an elderly relative has on their family.
Our whole culture has changed from the days of the arrival of all our ancestors – the immigrants. As they settled America, their households were vastly different that ours are today. Generally, they were farming families; wives seldom went outside the home to work. There were a lot of children, necessary because of the need to help with the work and because of high infant mortality. Older relatives lived with their children. There was always room for them, and there was no such thing as a nursing home, or other separate place where they went when they got old and/or ill. (This is still the way it is in most Native American families in our United States.)
Look at how we’ve changed. Farming is no longer the occupation of the majority; more than half of the wives go outside the home to work. Zero population growth has become almost a reality and extended families living in one dwelling place are the exception rather than the rule.
Our culture has changed and we have done it ourselves, only several generations from those large families who arrived here seeking a better life. Now it’s time for those who are preparing the youth for their future in America, to instill in them the reality of that future. And make sure that it includes that better life for their elders.
Send questions/comments to the editors.
